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Always loved those airport quotes, I'm a mark for anything that makes wrestling seem bigger than it really is.

 

I'm also a fan of people at the water cooler talking about having Viscera in their Royal Rumble office pool. Shit I've never seen in real life. It's ridiculous and I love it.

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Schiavone and Zbyszko, the early days (Pro 8/31/1991):

 

"Now look at Bill Kazmeier, would you not call that a defecation (sic) of the American flag?"

"Well Larry, it's just on the man's tights!"

"It IS the man's tights!"

 

"Let me tell you another old Polish proverb: Ability will never catch up to the demand for it. I don't believe much in computers, because I think this whole generation of robotized sheep has sold their souls to a little green TV monitor."

...

"So you don't think the computer has done all that much for Terrence Taylor."

"I don't think the computer has done that much for mankind. But in Terrence Taylor's case it may actually have helped. ... I think they should all be blown up. But then what would this generation of wimps do? They'd have to learn."

"Well, I'm not here to debate the validity of computers."

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I myself am horrified that I laughed at this, especially now. I guess it was out of its sheer audacity:

 

"Before Dusty Rhodes' daddy was a plumber, he worked as a shoe salesman. And he was so successful at running his shoe store, that to this day in Austin, Texas, when people think of black loafers, they think of Dusty Rhodes' father." --Jim Cornette, early 1988

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"Will the woman who left her kids at Shea Stadium please return to pick them up? They're beating the Mets 6 to 1" - Jerry Lawler in a pre-match promo at Madison Square Garden

 

Art Donovan: "Who's this guy coming to the ring with Diesel?"

Gorilla Monsoon: "That's the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels"

Art Donovan: "Oh...is he a wrestler too?"

 

"Ha! All those years in the Army and he only made it to Corporal!" - Bobby The Brain Heenan upon being told that Cpl. Kirchner is wrestling on this week's episode of Prime Time Wrestling

 

Vince McMahon: "This week we are coming to you from Fresno, California: the SHIP-building capital of the world!"

Jesse Ventura: (laughing) "I don't think I heard that correctly. Can you repeat that?"

Vince McMahon: "Fresno, California: the SHIP-building capital of the world. What did you think I said?"

Jesse Ventura: "Nevermind" (with a giant SHIT-eating grin on his face)

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Larry Z, who has sadly stopped commentating to go full time in the ring, interrupts the Brickhouse Bonus, Pro 10/19/91:

"Hey Jack, whaddya know! You can still read the old prompter!"
"Hello Larry, good to see you, I'm glad you were able to make bail."

Nowhere near as dark of an old man joke as Paul E's unusually brutal rag on Solie the previous week during a show intro:

"...and, Gordon Solie is alive and well this morning--can you believe it? On the Power Hour!"

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Jeff G. Bailey's promo from Wildside #107 when he becomes owner of the company:

 

"I know some people are gonna say, 'Well, Jeff, what do you know about wrestling?' Well, when you've done what I've done, which is winning acquittals for rapists, murderers, and child-molesting drug dealers, you've come into contact with all the same kind of people you're gonna see in professional wrestling."

 

&

 

"I've been studying other owners in professional wrestling and I know to be great that I've got to follow in their footsteps. I know that I have to be kind and caring and considerate to all my wrestlers, just like Cowboy Bill Watts. I understand that there is no sacrifice too great for this business, just like Fritz Von Erich. And just like Herb Abrams, I know that there's nobody more important than the owner, and that's me."

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Random WWF MSG show from late '91. Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan and Lord Al Hayes are on commentary. Now clearly Hayes is out of his league here, and better yet, he knows it. Heenan is a whirlwind, putting over and putting down everybody who's name is even mentioned. So his Lordship quickly fades into the background and says next to nothing of note for the entire show. During one particularly boring match, Hayes goes silent for at least ten minutes. I mean, he says NOTHING, to the point that you forget he's even there. McMahon calls a move or something and then finishes the thought with, "You alive over there Alfred?". The pure randomness combined with McMahon's clear annoyance that Hayes is doing jack shit was enough to crack me up. But Hayes tops it, as he INSTANTLY pipes up with a very enthusiastic "Yes, indeed!", to which McMahon sardonically replies, "Well, that's good." Al then proceeds to go off on a two minute rant about the match while Heenan and McMahon stand by in stunned silence. Pure genius.

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That's terrific. Hayes always seemed like a guy who could talk literally nonstop if he had to.

 

"Well you know Big Josh, coming up Sunday March 1st at 3 PM in the UIC Pavilion, we're gonna beat up Mr. Hughes and Vinnie Vegas--Vinnie Vegas? Man, that sounds like something out of Las Vegas!"

 

- Ron Simmons is less than revelatory, WCW Pro Chicago 2/8/92.

 

The card actually sounds great, topped by Sting/Rude in a cage, Abby vs Cactus (which naturally didn't happen), Windham vs Zbyszko "one fall death match," and Rhodes/Steiners vs Eaton/Arn/Austin elimination match.

 

Zbyszko gets political on Todd Champion, Worldwide 2/15/92:

 

"Let me tell you something about Chumpion. This kid is a victim. Chumpion, you are being used by the Dangerous Alliance as just another example that the DA mean exactly what we say. This kid is suffering from delusions of grandeur. He thinks he's still a Desert Storm fighter, he thinks he still a hero reverend by the people of America. Jerk, nobody cares because they don't have any jobs! You think they care about you? You're gonna find out how much they care about you when the Cruncher is rubbing your face from one corner of that mat to the other! Son, I've forgotten more wrestling moves than you're ever going to know running around the desert eating some kind of a sand bug. Because you, punk, are in the ring with the heaviest member of the DA! The top thug of an extremely Dangerous Alliance! Jerk."

 

Their match is surprisingly watchable and easily gets the Full Worldwide Point.

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Jesse and Tony, WCW Worldwide 11/20/93:

 

JESSE: He almost reminded me of Dan Gable. You know who Dan Gable is, right?

 

TONY: Of course I do, he was a great amateur wrestler.

 

JESSE: Okay, where was he from? Do you know that?

 

TONY: He was from, hold on...Bagwell up and over Orndorff now...he was from Ohio.

 

JESSE: OHIO? Well it's a good thing I'm here to correct everything you say. He was from Iowa, not Ohio. Iowa.

 

TONY: Iowa, Ohio, they're all the same to me.

 

...

 

TONY: You know, in spite of what you think Jess, you don't need a strong amateur background to succeed in this business--and you're a prime example of that!

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